Why Healing is Terrifying

The Fear of Healing and Living Up to Your Potential

Healing from emotional wounds sounds positive, but it can also be terrifying. Many people unconsciously resist healing because being fully healed means facing change and new responsibilities. As long as they are “broken” or hurt, they have an excuse to stay in their comfort zone. In other words, remaining wounded lets them avoid the daunting task of living up to their full potential. In fact, Caroline Myss observes that for some chronically ill or traumatized individuals, “the last thing” they truly seek is complete recovery – they fear having to make their way in the world without their pain. I have noticed this greatly in my work, too. It’s one thing to dream about what life would be like at your best, but it’s another to actually step into that life. This fear of change and success (sometimes called “fear of healing”) can keep people stuck. They worry, often subconsciously, that if they heal, they no longer have a familiar safety net or an excuse to hide from their aspirations. As self-help author Marianne Williamson famously said, “our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate… our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” Healing requires stepping into that power – a prospect that can be as frightening as it is inspiring.

Why Do We Hold On to Our Wounds?

We are not meant to stay hurt – just as physical wounds naturally try to heal, emotional wounds are meant to be processed and released. So why do we sometimes hold onto emotional pain? The answer lies in a concept called “woundology.” Bestselling author Caroline Myss coined woundology to describe the tendency to become overly identified with our wounds, defining ourselves by our past trauma and hurt. Counterintuitive as it seems, people often find a strange comfort in revisiting their pain. It’s like having a bruise that hurts to touch, yet you keep pressing it. As one therapist analogizes, we may “find familiar comfort in revisiting the pain over and over again,” much like picking at a scab despite wanting it to heal. We do this because the pain is known to us, whereas healing and moving on represent the unknown.

Over time, a person can become emotionally attached to their suffering, seeing it as an integral part of their identity. They might not even know who they are without the label of “the injured one” or “the victim.” This mindset is a significant obstacle to healing and growth. The danger is that it creates a victim mentality, limits personal growth, and drains energy needed for healing. In essence, the wound starts to define them, and letting go of the hurt feels like losing a part of themselves.

The Hidden "Benefits" of Suffering (Victim Mentality and Secondary Gains)

Paradoxically, staying wounded can offer certain psychological “benefits,” which make it harder to let go of pain. These are often referred to as secondary gains – hidden rewards a person gets from remaining hurt or in a victim role. For example, pain can become a form of social currency. Someone deeply wounded may notice that sharing their tragic story garners sympathy, attention, or special treatment from others. They might begin to rely on this dynamic in relationships. Myss notes that for some, “pain is their primary ‘relationship currency’” – they use their wounds to relate to others and even to manipulate interactions. This can be unconscious; they fear who they would be and how they would relate to people without the backdrop of their suffering.

Staying in victim mode also provides a convenient excuse to dodge responsibilities or challenges. If you’re perpetually suffering, you have a ready reason to avoid the risks and expectations that come with pursuing your goals. “After all, I can’t go back to school/start dating/try for that job – I’m dealing with so much pain.” As Myss bluntly puts it, suffering can become a “convenient excuse for dodging responsibilities.” In a twisted way, the wound protects the person from the pressures of success or change. By saying “I can’t because I’ve suffered,” they permit themselves to stay small.

Another reason people hold onto wounds is the sense of entitlement or reward they feel they’ve earned through suffering. This is the “I deserve this because I suffered” mentality. For instance, someone might feel that because they endured trauma, the world owes them care or leniency. They might also use their hardship to one-up others in conversations, seeking validation that their pain is the greatest. You might notice such individuals share their wounds very readily with others – often introducing their victim story early in conversations or repeatedly bringing it up. In Myss’s anecdote about a friend deeply entrenched in woundology, the friend would announce her trauma history to complete strangers almost immediately, effectively “laying her wounds out on the table within seconds of meeting new people.” People stuck in this pattern tend to mention their wound in nearly every interaction; you “can’t seem to have a conversation with them without them mentioning their wound” or declaring their victim status. This constant sharing ensures that others treat them gingerly or give them attention, reinforcing the behavior.

There is also a sense of community and belonging that can come from wounds. Support groups and peer communities often rally around shared suffering. These groups can be incredibly healing when used correctly – they offer understanding and validation. However, some individuals become so attached to that supportive community or identity of “one who suffers” that they resist healing in order not to lose their place. As one analysis put it, pain can be the “ticket” into a supportive community where, perhaps for the first time, a person feels understood and accepted. Healing and moving on would mean leaving that camaraderie or no longer receiving that outpouring of support. In such cases, remaining hurt feels safer than venturing out alone as a healthy person.

The Cost of Holding Onto Wounds (Why We're Not Meant to Stay Hurt)

While clinging to wounds may bring short-term comfort or advantages, the long-term costs of staying hurt are profound. Human beings are not meant to remain in a state of chronic emotional injury. Carrying unresolved wounds keeps us in a diminished state, siphoning our vitality and potential. Studies in mind-body health show that persistent emotional stress and victimization can even manifest in physical illness. Caroline Myss warns that when we define ourselves by our wounds, we burden and lose our physical and spiritual energy and even “open ourselves to the risk of illness.” In other words, the energy we invest in woundology depletes the energy available for growth, joy, and true healing. The very identity that someone thinks is protecting them is actually poisoning their well-being.

Staying hurt also means staying stuck. Life essentially goes on hold. The person isn’t truly engaging in the present or moving forward; they are living in the loop of their past pain. Relationships suffer too, because it’s hard to form healthy, equal partnerships if one person is always in the role of the injured party expecting special allowances. Over time, friends or family may feel drained by the constant negativity or neediness that emanates from someone fixated on their wounds. The wounded individual may also experience stalled personal development – their talents, ambitions, and happiness remain suppressed under the weight of unresolved hurt.

Ultimately, healing is the natural direction of life. Just as our bodies try to knit together a cut, our psyche wants to integrate and move beyond trauma. We are meant to learn and grow from hardships, not live in them forever. It takes courage to let go of the familiar pain and venture into the unknown territory of healing, but doing so is necessary to reclaim one’s full life. As one commentary eloquently noted, “It takes courage to explore your suffering, to peel away layer after layer… and hold yourself accountable to life.” Facing the pain directly can be like walking through fire: “Just as a silversmith holds a piece of silver in the fire to burn away its impurities, so must we lean into the fire of our pain… Only the searing flames of relentless self-honesty can cauterize our wounds…and prepare us for the journey back to wholeness.” In short, healing requires honesty and bravery – but on the other side of that process is genuine freedom. You were not meant to stay hurt; you were meant to heal and live fully.

If this resonates with you or someone you know...stay tuned for the next part - which is coming in a few days. I will share with you...

Five Ways to Start Healing Your Wounds

If this is something you struggle with, you aren't alone. This is a difficult one to admit. I know. But, if you are ready to start working on releasing this persona, that is what I love helping with. Shoot me a message, visit TheHighLevelLife.com or just call me 830-252-1131.

In Gratitude,

Jen 

References: Caroline Myss, Marianne Williamson, various contributions from therapy and coaching blogs, and psychological insights into trauma, identity, and healing.